I was shocked the first time it seemed as though my kids really did not care about my feelings. Well, at least that is how they behaved. I felt as though my heart and feelings of self-worth were on a chopping block and that my kids were slicing, dicing, and smashing at those deep feelings.
I wondered, “How can they disregard me so easily and treat me with contempt as if I were a criminal?” After all, I had worked and suffered for their welfare, and felt as if I were sacrificing my interests, time and resources for them. Diane and I both felt these similar feelings and were not at all prepared for such actions.
After much thought and introspection, I discovered that much of my self-esteem was tied to the intimacy I felt with my children, as well as to their behavior. If they succeeded then I was a success. If they were not achieving what was expected, then I was a failure. Somehow early in my life I got the impression that kids would give love for love, kindness for kindness and service for service (sacrifice for sacrifice) and would do so gladly. Was I ever misguided!
As time went on, and the children (and I) grew older, I learned something: Our children don’t always treat us in rational ways. Oftentimes we may get the impression from them that we are total and complete failures. If I were a really bad parent I would expect this, but doggone it, I know I am not a monster. Despite my failings, I am a decent parent and I don’t deserve to be treated like this!
I have learned that for the most part, kids love their parents and desire to have a relationship with them. And we need to have faith in ourselves and our abilities to love and nurture through all and any negativity and adversity.
As a parent you must be careful to filter out the emotional and verbal garbage your child may be giving forth and believe in yourself and stay on course... If you can believe in your heart that your children actually love you and care about you despite their current behavior, you will be able to nurture the internal strength needed to keep you going.
Part 3 of this article will cover children’s recent research that uncovered that fact that – guess what? You are really a hero to your kids!
See the ParentIQ course Parent Traps and the article Teaching Values to Children for more information.
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About Mark Hobbins
For more than 20 years, Mark has helped families whose children had gone too far down the road of self-defeating and even self-destructive behaviors -- families who needed intervention to rescue the child and heal the family. Mark created FamilyIQ with the mission of prevention, of building stronger, and more fulfilling families today.
Mark Hobbins has enjoyed an illustrious career in mental health and therapeutic education. He is a co-founder of the Aspen Education Group and is a past member of the Colleague Panel for the Council on Accreditation of Services to Families and Children. He is a consulting expert for numerous media outlets including CBS, NBC, ABC, People Magazine, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, LA Times, and the NY Times. He has consulted with and appeared on various television shows throughout the world including BRAT CAMP, Britain‘s Youngest Boozers, Tyra Banks and Dr. Phil shows. Mark has authored and co-authored many articles, courses and workbooks.
Mark is the husband of Diane and the father of seven wonderful children (and a grandfather as well!)
Mark Hobbins can come to YOUR area and present a 45-60 minute seminar on parenting and relationships. Some of the topics covered are ‘The Teenage Brain,‘ ‘Setting Effective Limits with Your Children,‘ ‘The Love Language,‘ ‘What is Your Parenting Style?‘ To request Mark Hobbins as a speaker or keynote presenter, please call FamilyIQ 949-709-1120 or 888-326-5947 x102 or send email to slandes@familyiq.com.
